literature

Where

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Prime-Epitome's avatar
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Literature Text

Where am I?

I called you out a hundred times
And you never came.

Who are you?

I see you before me each day
But you're long gone.

What they say?

I ask myself if I should listen
To the talking deaf.

When was this?

You speak of matters past
I do not recall.

Why do you?

You seek from me answers
I really can't find.

How can we?

That is what I ask myself
When I look to you.
You ever feel alone, even in a room of 100 people you know? I think we all have from time to time. This is a poem I wrote recently to express this feeling I've had lately torwards my loved ones.
Comments13
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skyeconnelly's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

I enjoyed this piece quite a bit, and as it stands I think it has a great deal of potential. I do think there is quite a bit of room for improvement.

I'll offer a few suggestions, but of course you don't have to agree with my thoughts, I'm just sharing my perspective with you. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/>

You pose several lines with questions, and some of the questions feel a bit random and chaotic, even fragmented. And with each paragraph that follows, I keep looking for answers to those questions but not really finding them. I think maybe if you just add a little more thought to this, a little more of what inspired these questions, then attach more descriptive answers to these questions, the reader will get a better grasp of your motives with this piece.

Something that caught my eye:

"What they say?

I ask myself if I should listen
To the talking def."


Firstly, I think you meant what did they say? And then, to the talking def - did you mean deaf? I was just a bit confused by the wording here.

Again these are just my thoughts. I think this has a lot of potential to be a powerful, evocative piece but maybe if you just added a bit more substance it would be a more effectively communicated work. I hope this is of help to you. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="40" height="15" alt=":handshake:" title="Handshake"/>